Trump Says U.S. Needs To Pick Up Our Nuke Game

The United States must greatly strengthen and expand its nuclear capability until such time as the world comes to its senses regarding nukes

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 22, 2016

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Alright I’ll give the Donald credit here I didn’t know Russia had more nukes than we do

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That’s fucked up. How the hell did that happen? I wanted to come in hot raving about how ridiculous it is that anyone for any reason would need 7,000 nukes and how really about 4 or 5 could get the job done but that was before I knew Russia had more than us. Fuck that. We have to have more than Russia. I don’t care if everyone else only has like 10 and North Korea thinks a couple bottle rockets are nukes, we have to have more than Russia. If they had 2 billion nukes we need 2 billion and 1 nukes. It’s like Gates and Buffett — nobody needs 80 billion dollars, they just HAVE to have more than the other guy. It’s in their DNA. It’s who they are. It’s what keeps them going.

100% with Trump on this one. Fuck Russia. If we don’t have like 100,000 nukes by the end of Trump’s first term I’ll be shocked. I want nukes rolling out of the Oval Office when someone unexpectedly opens a door. I want Baron playing hide-and-seek in a nuclear stockpile on the South Lawn. I want Abe holding a nuke under each arm in the Lincoln Memorial. Nukes nukes nukes.

PS — One of my sneaky favorite facts is that our Ohio-Class submarines can each carry 192 nukes. 192! Imagine your first 191 nukes don’t quite take care of business but you’re really feeling good about that 192nd.