Nintendo Announced The Release Date, Price, And More Information About The Switch Along With Demos Of Zelda, Mario Kart, And A Mario + Grand Theft Auto Hybrid

Nintendo’s video presentation is 1 hour and 6 minutes if you want to get CRAZY. But if I know my Barstool brethren like I think I do, you guys will let me just give you the important info in blog form.

– First up the Switch will launch on March 3rd and will be $299. Nintendo will also have a free online experience to start but will charge at a later date just like XBox Live and the Playstation Network. I always thought Nintendo had the advantage of being able to undercut XBox and Playstation with pricing since they didn’t have the crazy tech specs of their competitors, but I guess Nintendo was thrilled with the way the Wii U performed (this is a joke, I think).

– Speaking of specs we got a better look at what goes the console and controllers have to offer.

Not gonna lie, I am pretty intimidated by that controller. The reason I loved the Wii is I knew I couldn’t fuck up to badly with like four total buttons. And I still fucked up all the time. Then again I’m more washed than what I imagine Nintendo’s target audience is.

– Oh yeah and supplies will be “limited” in the beginning. Anyone that had to wait in line or sacrifice their first born for a Nintendo Classic just had a shiver go down their spine. I don’t really know what to say to Nintendo other than stop being dickheads with these limited releases and figure it the fuck out.

– Zelda will be launching with the system. I admit that I’ve never been a big Zelda fan but this trailer looks NUTS.

Jesus Christ, is this game going to be like 10 discs long or some shit? At first I thought I was watching the Dances With Wolves trailer and then it broke out into full blown cartoon chaos. A little too anime for my liking personally. Once you have a character that looks like he was conceived after his dad fucked a shark, I’m out.

Again I’m not a Zelda guy. Actually maybe it’s more that I’m not a Link guy because hey Zelda, sup you sexy little elf minx?

– The first Mario game will be Mario Odyssey which looks like a Nintendoized Grand Theft Auto. I love Mario and he has given me a lifetime of entertainment. But once you play Mortal Kombat with the blood code, you can never go back. Same with Grand Theft Auto and murdering/fucking/drinking/doing drugs/etc. I am not going to want to find coins or missing stars when I can put in the real GTA and find hookers and awesome ramps to do jumps on. Playing a “sandbox” game without hookers and crazy driving is like filling your bathing suit with sand. Unpleasant at best.

– This 1-2 Switch game looks fun as hell with an opening for the trailer that goes about oh I don’t know a full fucking minute too long. But it definitely seems to be one of those games packed with minigames that you play as you pregame before a night out. Basically Wii Sports meets Wii Party meets Gameboy.

I’d LOVE to know which minigame these two were playing. Lets get dirty, Nintendo!

– And of course there is Mario Kart. Glorious, wonderful Mario Kart. The main reason I buy any Nintendo system Mario Kart.

Now there are a few reasons I don’t love that demo. For one, they focus A LOT on battle mode. Nobody in their right mind plays battle mode over racing except for the Smitty brood but they also do tattoo and middle name bets. Get battle and those balloons the fuck out of my face. I want to see the return of some incredible old courses like Baby Park, some more tracks involving the wide-spanning beautiful DK Mountain range, a glimpse of Rainbow Road along with any new characters. Don’t focus half of your preview on the B-side of this game, no matter how fun an occasional battle could be. Plus this being just an updated version of the Wii U game STINKS. New system, new Kart. Those are the rules, Nintendo. Help me help you get out of your own way.