I Am In A Very Deep Hole
Let’s call an Ace of Spades a spade here. I am not, in fact, a rich person.
If you didn’t catch it today on the radio or rundown, Tao Downtown Nightclub had the nerve to charge me $4,000 on Saturday for a little bit of alcohol. Well funny enough, I am actually not the kind of person who possesses four thousand U.S. dollars. But hey, don’t sweat the small. Of course it was a mistake to spend that much, but it’s all good. I haven’t mentioned this part of the story yet, but I was with Dave. You know… Dave Portnoy. El Pres. Brick by brick king of the beach. I’m talking about Freaking Club Dave! This guy pisses four Gs! So when the bottle service girl let me know that my red Visa kiddy-card came up short of getting the job done, I scoffed. Laughed almost.
Where’s Dave at? He’ll step in here.
“Hey Frankie! There’s some change in my coat pocket, can you grab it and clean up Caleb’s little mess?”
I told the waitress to just wait one second. I looked to the left. I looked to the right.
Hm. No Dave.
The waitress is staring at me. Waiting on an answer. Her hand’s out. Waiting on $4,000. So I did the only thing that I could do.
Barstool Sports American Express.
Say what you want. I’m sure everyone is going to have their own little theories and condescending ideals for me, but whatever, I don’t care. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I had to make a decision. My old quarterback coach used to say that sometimes it’s better to be decisive than right. What was I gonna do? Write an I.O.U.?
Anyway, fast forward to today. As it turns out, Dave is still not paying for it and I, myself, have to pay this money back to Barstool Sports. Which I’m cool with. However, I also realize there are obstacles. First being I do not have, and am not projected to earn even CLOSE to that amount of money anytime ever. So, what can I do?
Some people have told me to ask the Stoolies to help me out, but I could never do that.
I consider Stoolies family. I could never ask them for money to help me out of a sticky situation without offering them something in return. I just have too much respect.
So instead, what I have decided to do is unleash something that was before thought off limits. A shirt that has been floating around the office for months, but was thought to be just too edgy to go to market. However, through my mistakes, you all have just basically unlocked an item that previously existed only in the highest realms of Barstool lore and secrecy.
I wish it didn’t have to come to this. But, here goes nothing.
HELP ME, SERIOUSLY I HAVE TO PAY BACK ALL $4,000
Editor’s Note: Full story from Barstool Radio below and my Venmo is Caleb-Pressley