The Upcoming Emojis Release May Include A Breastfeeding Mother, Chinese Food, Elves, Mermaids, And Much More
So the good people at Emojipedia released a list of potential emojis and what they could look like if they are released this summer. Lets take a quick glance at some of the highlights.
Breastfeeding Mom
I bet feminists are going to be thrilled at the thought of this mom making the cut the same way eggplant farmers were thrilled the eggplant made the cut once upon a time. However, this breastfeeding mom is going to be used by every sexter in America as a way to tell girls that you want to suck on their titty.
However I will say that making this an emoji will make seeing a baby chowing down on a boob 1% less awkward (though it will still be 99% awkward. And that’s coming from a dad with boobs). I can’t believe we have reached a time where putting a baby drinking out of a titty on millions of phones could actually happen. 2017, man.
Chinese Food
I saw this emoji and immediately became scared. Every time I see a movie with Chinese cartons just laying around, I immediately want Chinese food. I don’t know if that is just me being fat or if MSG has some mind control elements to it. But now my Twitter feed and emoji keyboard is no longer a safe space.
Dumplings, Fortune Cookies, and Chopsticks
Alriiiiight, lets settle down with all the Chinese food. I’m cool with the carton and maybe some General Tsos (RIP). But I don’t need a full Chinese menu in my emojis.
Pretzel
Gets up on soap box
Pretzels are the most underrated snack on the planet and the hot pretzel remains one of the bargain items at concession stands around the country. It’s about time they got their due.
Steps down from soap box
Gets back up on soap box
Wait, wait, wait, how the fuck have we had a wrap emoji and taco emoji but still don’t have a sandwich emoji? Most un-American thing ever.
Steps down from soap box
Curling Stone
This made me laugh because I’m pretty sure All Business Pete will cum himself when he sees this. If you want to follow someone absolutely OBSESSED with the sport of curling, you have to follow @allbusinesspete. I also wrote this sentence sitting about 5 feet away from him at the Bud Light Bar at HQ and I must say, talking about another man’s cum when he’s that close to you is a very weird feeling.
Yoga People
I guarantee I will hate every single person that tweets either one of these emojis.
Dinosaurs
Ohhhh fuck yeah. Dinosaurs still not being around in emoji form seems so incredibly wrong, but that’s what happens when a bunch of nerds make them instead of common men and women like us. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to listen to the Jurassic Park theme song.
For my money, this is the better Jurassic Park song though.
Elves
I am convinced that the only reason Link and Zelda made the cut for this release is because of negotiations with Nintendo after Mario Run came out. The Switch comes out with Zelda as its banner game just as these emojis “leak”? Too much to be a coincidence.
By the way, has any game in the history of the world underwhelmed like Mario Run? Be better, Nintendo. Christ.
Wall Climbers
Shhhhhhhh
Calling it now, this emoji is going to be the star of bunch of #BlackTwitter. Move over crying emoji and skull emoji. You have a new friend in the Recently Used section of #BlackTwitter.
Star Eyes
If you really like something that was texted/tweeted by someone you don’t truly like. Heart emojis can lead to confused feelings and the star eyes fix that.
Genie
Not much to say here other than RIP Robin Williams. The Genie is definitely on my Mount Rushmore of Disney characters, as is Never Had A Friend Like Me for Disney songs.
Mermaid
Speaking of Disney movies, I have come to the realization that Ariel has become overrated. Her voice isn’t THAT good, she probably always had at the very least a faint smell of fish on her, and she couldn’t close the deal on looks/actions alone. Belle would have had Eric kissing her feet regardless of if she had a voice or not.
Merman
However the merman scene from Zoolander will always be perfectly rated as awesome.
“You’re more dead to me than your dead mother” gets me every single time.
Puke
Really could have used this guy when that video of the guy fucking a McChicken made its rounds.
Monocled Emoji
I’m pretty sure I would hate every single person I ran into with a monocle on their face. But I love this guy’s style. Cocky as FUCK just like the infamous Pete Carroll GIF.
And while I’m not one to rail on our bloggers’ flaws like the Chief of Content, but I also respect a good observation, this is a fair point.