Nothing Like Waking Up On Easter Sunday To Find A 9-Foot Alligator Chilling On Your Porch

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(Source)- A large alligator gave one Mount Pleasant family a scare Easter morning. The homeowners said they thought someone was breaking into their house when they found the gator had climbed on the porch. They say the gator had to climb a 15 foot staircase, break through a screen, climb through a doorway, and then push furniture out of the way. Wildlife experts say this type of behavior is not unusual for alligators during this time of the year. They are making their way out of hibernation and into warmer waters. They start new feeding patterns and defend their territory as they move into mating season.

Now that fucking sucks. If waking up on Easter morning knowing that there won’t be an egg hunt and you won’t have an Easter basket filled with Cadbury Eggs and baseball cards because you are old wasn’t bad enough, you then have an uninvited alligator house guest. And not just any alligator, but an alligator that is apparently hungry and looking to get its dick wet. Unless you have a few buckets of chum and wanna give that alligator a handy, you are probably going to be dealing with an ornery motherfucker like any of the characters in a Snickers commercial, except they are also super horny. Plus this alligator may be a genius if he can navigate stairs, break through screens, and move the furniture. For all we know, this alligator was two seconds away from figuring out how to open the back door like the raptors had in Jurassic Park in order to help himself to the nearest snack and orifice in the house. Hell of a way to start the holiest day on the Christian calendar in the God fearing South.

And listen, I’m not here to play Armchair Quarterback. If I find a mouse in my house, I run as far away as possible from it and basically don’t go near that room until someone else kills it and removes it. And even then, I need at least 3 months of recovery time before I can trust being in that room by myself again. But treating an alligator of any size, let alone one that is 9-feet long, like a piñata strikes me as the absolute WORST idea on the planet. It’s an Easter miracle that the cops didn’t arrive at this house after reports of screams only to find two half-eaten bodies with this being the last thing recorded on one of the deceased’s iPhones.