When Will It End? A Giant Bunny Rabbit Mysteriously Died While Aboard A United Flight
LONDON — A giant rabbit died in unexplained circumstances on a United Airlines flight from Britain to Chicago in the latest unfortunate incident to hit the beleaguered airline, British media reported Wednesday. Simon, a 3-foot, 10-month-old continental giant rabbit, was found dead after the Boeing 767 landed at Chicago O’Hare International Airport following its departure from London Heathrow, the Sun reported. Rabbit breeder Annette Edwards told the newspaper that the rabbit, which was likely to grow to be the biggest in the world after its father Darius held the title of the world’s biggest rabbit at 4ft 4in long, was being transported to its new celebrity owner. It wasn’t immediately clear when the incident occurred. “Simon had a vet’s check-up three hours before the flight and was fit as a fiddle,” Edwards told the Sun. “Something very strange has happened and I want to know what. I’ve sent rabbits all around the world and nothing like this has happened before. The client who bought Simon is very famous. He’s upset.”
God damn it United! God damn you! I was kidding last week when I said United should start killing animals so they could grab more headlines. I think I said they should start throwing puppies off planes when they got to cruising altitude. In my head, that was the worst thing they could do. Everybody loves puppies and therefore people would not appreciate having them tossed off planes that are thousands of feet in the air. Instead, United proved me wrong and killed a giant fluffy bunny while up in the sky which might actually be worse than puppies. Because there are people who hate dogs. I don’t understand those people but I’m told they exist. But you can’t find a single person who hates giant fluffy bunny rabbits. You wouldn’t think to hate a giant fluffy bunny. So what does United do? Sticks a finger in our eyes and murders Simon in cold blood. What did Simon ever do to you? Too cute? Too fluffy? Too docile? You couldn’t script a worse month for United. Killing bunnies is low.
NEED NEED NEED to know who the “very famous: person who is buying up giant bunnies and having them flown around the world. They’re gonna get a call from their accountant soon
“Something very strange has happened and I want to know what. I’ve sent rabbits all around the world and nothing like this has happened before. The client who bought Simon is very famous. He’s upset.”