The Next Big Gay Appropriation: Hobby-Horsing

Ozy - Welcome to competitive hobbyhorsing. Imagine dozens of girls in formation, or individually in formal competitions, show jumping and performing dressage while holding on to that venerable stick-and-stuffed-toy combination known as a hobbyhorse. Young enthusiasts might treat it like play — “feeding” the horses daily and grooming them — but even older girls, for whom a horse may be like a beloved hockey stick, give their steeds names, personalities and backstories. As a concept, hobbyhorsing is not that different from other fantasy sports — some people play Quidditch, others swim while wearing mermaid tails and still others manage football teams in an imaginary NFL.

I can already see the wheels starting to turn. Don’t even think about it, gays. We have a knack for taking things tween-aged girls like and claiming them as our own, which I’m generally fine with but this is where I draw the line. We CAN NOT start delving into hobby-horsing. It’s a slippery slope.

Now I know a lot of you are probably saying “but Pat, I already have a harness in my closet, what’s the harm?” That’s neither here nor there. This is some weirdo shit. And don’t listen to the author; it’s nothing like fantasy football. This is more like fantasy-land. It’s borderline larp-ing, which was funny in Role Models but in real life it’s weird.

It’s been ten years since that guy died getting fucked by a horse (NSFL). There’s no need to bring those memories back into the public’s consciousness by prancing around on a stuffed horse toy. Not a good look. We’ve been making a lot of progress claiming Disney Land and Justin Bieber as our own, let’s not get sidetracked by hobby-horsing.  Leave the galloping to the girls.

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