If You Send People Certified Mail, You're An Asshole.

People who send certified mail are the worst. I realize that I have it better than most because I work from home. Most days, I am at my house all day long. Now bare in mind that sometimes I poop.

Today was one of those days. I heard the knock at the door. There was nothing I could do. The doorbell rang. I thought it was someone trying to sell me a second home security system so I didn’t do much. Then I hear “FED EX!” I freak out.

I’m freaking out on the toilet like this because I know I’m not gonna make it.

I know they only knock twice if it’s certified mail. I hurry as fast as I can but my bidet water can only shoot so hard. I finish and run to the door only to see the Fex EX truck speed away. Now I have to go down to their office to get it. What a terrible day. Worst part is that I have no idea what was sent. Last time this happened it was my fucking home owner’s association telling me they were electing a new board. I was irate, to say the least.

Don’t send stuff certified mail unless it’s over like 1000 dollars. That should be the rule.