Sony Is Making A Clean Version Of A Bunch Of Their Best Movies And People Are Not Happy. Let's Check Em Out.

I am perplexed. This is weirder than the whole Montauk Monster fiasco. Isn’t this the exact purpose of the rating system we already have in place? Why would a 6-year-old want to watch a watered-down version of a movie like Superbad when they have the offerings of Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel? If you’re a toddler wouldn’t you rather tune in to the new That’s So Raven reboot as opposed to 3 foul-mouthed nice teenagers trying to buy alcohol in order to get their cocks cleaned at a party? Now let’s check out some of the great flicks Sony is cutting down in the prime of their lives.

• 50 First Dates
  • I was recently on a big time Sandler kick so I’m pretty happy this list is chock full of his masterpieces. I guess they are just going to cut out every scene Rob Schneider is in for this? If they do that I think he needs to be cut out of Big Daddy, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, The Waterboy, The Longest Yard, and more. Guy lives to play other races. I don’t think there’s much else too bad in 50 First Dates. We’re talking about a classic Sandler/Barrymore love story- they couldn’t get more family friendly if they tried. I would let a child straight out of the womb watch Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Blended if they wanted to.
• Big Daddy
  • Rob Schneider is the first cut here along Vanessa getting dressed in the beginning of the movie I guess? That would suck though because whichever actress played Vanessa is pretty damn hot. I’m gonna go check that out on IMDb and subsequently google nude pictures of her. Brb.
• Captain Phillips
  • I haven’t seen Captain Phillips since it hit theaters, but I do remember a decent amount of blood so I can deal with this. The only problem is I’m pretty sure that once the pirates take over the ship the movie is basically going to be over. Somalian Pirates and grade schoolers aren’t too compatible.
• Ghostbusters I & II
  • These should not be watched. You should have to be a senior citizen to watch ghost movies and I don’t care if they’re starring Dan Akroyd and Bill Murray.
• Goosebumps
  • Same rationale as Ghostbusters. This movie was chock full of monsters, but if you can handle it I suggest you give it a watch. This was Jack Black’s Mean Streets.
• Grown Ups
  • I watched this last week and I don’t know how it wasn’t PG in the first place, the worst (obviously best) part of it was Schneider’s daughter bending over to fix her car. That’s it. I don’t think I giggled once. Sandler’s worst work since Jack & Jill. I would cut the whole movie if possible.
• Pixels
  • Pacman? Check. Centipede? Check. Space Invaders? Check. If your parents force you to watch a clean version of Pixels please do us all a favor and run away from home and or kill your parents.
• Spider-man 1,2, & 3
  • Tobey, Tobey, Tobey. Cooked. I really don’t know how you’re supposed to cut down an action movie that practically has no cursing in already and was made for teenagers. I guess Uncle Ben just…goes to Grandma’s house to play.
• Step Brothers
  • Being forced to watch a clean version of this is worse than being home schooled.
• Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
  • We’re really gonna cut down more than 1 Will Ferrell movie? Hopefully they listen to our friend Seth Rogen and don’t go anywhere near his. I don’t need to be watching This is the End without the McBride/Franco jerk off scene. Might as well watch have Thanksgiving Dinner with no turkey.