Kate Beckinsale is Dating a 21-Year-Old
Kate Beckinsale Spotted Locking Lips with 21-Year-Old Comedian Matt Rife https://t.co/6AZBcNvfrk
— People Magazine (@people) June 21, 2017
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Get a load of Kate Beckinsale becoming the Mayor of Cougartown! The woman who’s been the ace of my Spank Bank All Stars 5-woman pitching rotation for over a decade and hasn’t lost a foot off her fastball is dating a 21-year-old. Given that the Cougar Formula is “Half Your Age Plus Seven” and she’s 43, the math would be:
43/2 + 7 = 21.5 + 7 = 28.5
… she could actually be dating a guy as old as 28 and still qualify for Cougar status. So this guy is obviously well below her margin of error there. So it would appear she’s done with the aged prime rib and from now on she’s strictly ordering the veal.
A couple minutes on Google reveals that not only is this Matt Rife guy just three years older than Kate’s daughter, Kate is actually two years older than his mom. He does stand up. He’s wanted to be a comedian ever since he saw Dane Cook when he was in 7th grade. Which for me is like hearing an MLB rookie say his hero growing up was Dustin Pedroia, but that’s what you hear when you’re talking to someone who’s barely older than the Blackberry. Whatever. He’s also an Instagram model, with a highly developed Blue Steel:
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So good for my girl Kate. She’s not about to waste her ridiculously hot 43-year-old body on Viagara-popping, droopy-sacked old bastards who wear fishing hats, smoke pipes and call her “mother.” She’s going to ride that young D while she’s still got some sand left in the top of her hourglass. Am I jealous of this punk? Of course I am. I think she picked the wrong virile, attractive comic with smoldering good looks. But she must have figured out by now I only have eyes for my beguiling Irish Rose and she got desperate. Still, this is too good to waste on a kid:
