Ohio Man Masturbated, Sold Candy To Neighbors While Naked, Covered In Feces
Yes, you read that headline correctly. No, this is not a clickbait blog. Every word of that headline is 100% factual – allegedly.
“A man was arrested in Middletown, Ohio, Tuesday evening, accused of offering people candy while completely naked.
Authorities found Michael Morgan, who was “show(ing) signs of intoxication and was sweating profusely,” according to a police report. The report adds that Morgan had “feces all over his person.”
Witnesses told police that Morgan took off his clothes, defecated on a chair and attempted to sell candy to people.
Neighbors also accused Morgan of masturbating in a home’s backyard, according to the report.”
I believe it was Ron Swanson who once said, “don’t half ass two things, whole ass one thing.” A principle that is certainly much easier said than done, but this, this my friends is how you whole ass an arrest. Stealing candy? Lame, and if we’re being honest, probably not even a punishable offense considering just about everyone has lifted a Butterfinger or two from a local convenience store or two in their younger days. Masturbating in a stranger’s yard? A little concerning, maybe, but nothing anyone who subscribes to the JJO mantra couldn’t relate to.
Where things really get spicy is the drunk, naked, covered in feces part. I’m trying to concoct a reasonable scenario where one could justify a boozy stroll in the buff drizzled in a nice asshole aioli, but for the life of me I’m all out ideas at the moment. The only alternative I can come up with off the top of my head is the fact that being naked and covered in shit while conducting illegal activity may be a deterrent for law enforcement officials? This is just a theory of mine that I’d like to confirm with former Indiana State Trooper and current VP of Barstool Heartland, Todd McComas, but I’d imagine no one wants to arrest a naked dude.
Moral of the story, kids, is that if you’re going to go off the deep end and engage in illegal activity, make sure you go all the way. Also don’t be scared to get naked and see what happens.