It Is With A Heavy Heart That I Announce That This Gentleman Was Jerking It During The Emoji Movie

HOWELL, NJ — Police are looking for a man caught with his hand down his pants during an opening day screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’

A mom at the movie with her children and friends noticed the man with his pants unbuttoned, zipper undone and hand down his pants in the Xscape movie theater on Route 9 in Howell on July 28, police said. He was seated alone in the back row of the theater.

The woman immediately reported the incident to management, police said. Movie theater management responded and escorted the man out of the theater.

I’m not one to typically masturbation shame. I want it on the record that I’m not against masturbation as a whole. To suggest that I hate masturbation is a distortion of the truth.

You cant jerk it whilst watching the Emoji Movie.

“But Chaps, some of those emojis have been used to make sexual references. For instance, the eggplant is actually a penis and the peach can be used as a symbol for a thicc ass.”

That’s true. The peach is thicc as fucc.

What I would suggest is that you throw all that emoji sexiness in the spank bank and wait until you get back home because, no matter how sexy those little cartoon emojis are, you’ll be masturbation shamed if you pull the ole hole in the bottom of the popcorn trick. Hate to say it but it’s true.