MMBM: Alabama’s Raekwon Davis Committed Major NCAA Infraction By Failing To Reimburse The Guy Who Shot Him For The Cost Of The Bullet

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Anyone who tuned in to the Alabama/Florida State week 1 bowl game simulation between the two fanbases most likeley to leave a negative yelp review on a creation museum for not mentioning there teams new athletic facilities, heard the story about Alabama Defensive Lineman Raekwon Davis- who played Saturday nights game depsite being suffering a gunshot wound to the leg just a week earlier.

While the reaction varied from people congratudlating him for his toughness to folk’s questioning the medical care that cleared him to play- I was left with a much diffrent concern on this situation- namely the fact that getting shot could literaly be a smoking gun for a NCAA violation, and many others shared my skeptcism. Bullets are expensive these days ever since Obama did all that stuff- are we going to simply overlook the fact that a college athelete on scholarship received this free weapon without fairly compentaiting the distributor?

While ironically Davis is a high-caliber player, lets examine the situation more thoroughly. From the NCAA rule book:

Prospective and enrolled student-athletes (along with their friends and families) cannot receive goods or services based on their status as athletes.  The following are categories of benefits that NCAA legislation prohibits boosters and other athletics stakeholders from providing to prospective and enrolled student-athletes:

• Cash and cost-free goods and services

By the letter of the law, Davis received a a “good”(the bullet) from a unidentified dispenser/gunman in Tuscaloosa Alabama who was hanging out around the football team, and by all accounts did not pay for it. That is a NCAA violation and Nick Saban surley had to know it since he was informing the media all week of Davis’ status. There is no diffrence between a complimentary gunshot wound in Alabama and getting a free tattoo in Columbus Ohio- both are flesh wounds, and they both leave you looking cooler then you did before. If you dont pay for them it becomes a issue.

I was immedately left wondering how come there was no mention of Davis’ athletic eligibility in the police report, and sure enough it dosen’t take a skeptic to raise a eyebrow at this situation especially given how the investgation was carried out:

ESPN’s Chris Fowler reported that the police investigation into the incident had been cancelled.

Hmm. “Cancelled.” That type language strikes me as very odd indeed. Language that you would allmost expect to hear from a hypothetical grumpy controling head coach whose taking away team movie night because one of the linebackers has been sexting his daughter- not a police department investigating a shooting. Can you imagine if the Warren report was “cancelled” because they coudnt get the victim to give a statement? We might never have nailed that son of a bitch Rafael Cruz.

The obvious next question becomes “what happened to the bullet?” Boy I sure hope its not going to end up on Ebay as some sort of game-worn merchandise with Davis trying to make a quick buck on someone elses lost property. Would you sell another man’s dog just because he let if off-leash into youre yard? No, that would be theft and a stray bullet is no diffrent. Todd Gurley got in trouble for autographing pieces of paper for innocent adult male sport’s memorbilia distributors, s0 giving them a one-of-a-kind bullet with your bodies signature- your DNA- all over it should be tenfold the punishment for the student-athete.

In conclusion, unless we see proactive steps taken by Nick Saban and Raekwon Davis to track down the gunmen and compensate him or her for there time and out-of-pocket expenses, this becomes a major issue for the University of Alabama. Barring that the NCAA will be left with no choice but to vacate the win against Florida State.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Nick Sharga, Fullback/Guitar player from Temple Universtiy

Nick had a solid dependable 3.0 YPC verse Notre Dame on two carries for two first downs which show’s he understands the role of a fullback- but he literaly checked off every box he had that you want out of a fullback. Former scout teamer? Check. Former DII guy? Check. Literaly says “I let my guitar solos do the talking” when hes being interviewed by Doug Flutie? Check mate. Here is is playing Iron Maiden for his teamates during camp:

This guy knows all about leadership wether its lead guitar, lead blocking, or lead zepplin Sharga allways brings the sixth stringer mentalty that you have to earn every second of playing time. I was trying to think of what song a fullback dive is and Im pretty sure its the first 4 chord’s of Master of Puppets. The initial hit for the handoff and then 3 more for the exact number of power half step’s required to gain exactly enough for the first down.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Andrew Luck should be more concern with looking over his shoulder then looking after it. Scott Tolzien is coming off the bench and this is a next man up league people forget. Tolzien look’s like the platonic ideal of what a Colts starting QB should be. He somehow looks more like Jim Sorgi then Jim Sorgi ever did. If I were Andrew Luck I would walk into Jim Irsays office/trip chamber, take him out to lunch at the nearest pharmacy, and tell the whitecoat I’ll have what hes having. The regular season is the ultmate test and you cant make the proctor at the doctor.

2. Badass alert Kirk Cousins is the new GOAT

America love’s twins and here we see Captain Kirk is taking a page out of Mr Spocks book and rocking the evil goatee. Most awkward beard on a QB since Aaron Rogers- this is a honest thing Im saying there’s no double entrendres Aaron Rogers had a stupid goatee.

3. The Chcago Cubs cucked themselves by wearing football jerseys and reminding everyone whose sick of watching boring 2-5 baseball games that footballs back and along with it comes game’s that are 3 to seven times more high scoring.

4. Jack Olson was the feel-good story of the weekend as the blind longsnapper from USC took the field verse WMU for a extra point.

Its actualy a advantage to be blind and a longsnapper since you cant be induced offsides plus you cant get gauged in your eyes at the bottom of a pile if you dont have any to begin with. Good for this guy overcoming adversty but snapping is all about rhythm and

5. The Once and Future King of Colorado is back. Brock Osweler is back in Denver to inject life into the QB position which is now made up of a Voltron if instead of robotic jaguar’s it was made of QBs who werent good enough to play for the robotic jaguars. I call him Dock Osweiler because hes being thrust back into a head-to-head situation where he will somehow remain uncut.

6. Good for JJ Watt but Id like to issue a major category 5 stay woke alert in regard’s to his massive Hurricane Harvey fundraising efforts (which can be found here if youd like to make a donation.) What JJ is doing seems eerly similar to what globalist fund’s like the world bank and IMF do. They engineer massive collpases and swoop in with infusions of cash, devaluing the economy and leaving the places with massive debts. What JJ could be doing is raising so much money that he causes so much inflation that maybe they could beat the Patriots for once , but also changing Houston to a karma-based economy where he would basicaly be George Soros in the worlds biggest pay-it-forward scheme (which is technicaly just a anti-ponzi-scheme which is just as bad as a ponzi scheme, ethically speaking). Just keep a eye out no offense to USC’s longsnapper.

7. I am come to terms with the fact that John Kuhn has been cut by the New Orlean’s Saints. Now depsite what the national media will tell you Im not so sure New England fan’s would want another reason to chant Kuhn during football games. I see Kuhn as still being a major fit down in the Big Easy since its the only city in America where he can actualy get his pad level below sea-level. I have it on good authorty that he will be resigned to the team later this week, then cut every Monday, then resigned for the game the following Wed/Thursday which is the most blue collar thing I can even imagine its like a microcosm of working on a offshore oilrig. He’s turning the Saint’s into a right to work organization singelhandedly and I cant wait to make a “you know who ese came back from the dead after three days” tweet every week this year upon hearing about his new contract.

8. The Cleveland Police department will protest the Cleveland Brown’s national anthem protest by protesting the national anthem at a Cleveland Brown’s game this weekend. There police union has deicded not to hold the American flag during the star spangled banner since the team has failed to ilegally discipline the players who take a knee during it. I guess there also saying they wont be a part of your little display before a game if your going to impose your beliefs on others through a symbolic gesture that has nothing to do with sports instead of putting your hand over your heart during a song like a normal football player.

9. Le’Veon Bell has offically signed his franchise tender for his position meaning he will be paid the average of the top 3 guys in America who are to stoned to change the channel folks! Just having some fun with it but in all honesty the Steeler’s offense is going to look more like run run pass then puff puff pass this year and Im not sure Bells going to know that playbook without having carried the ball 12 times in the preseason. Coach use to always tell us in high school that failing to prepare is preparing to fail but this premedtated holdout was preparing to fail to prepare which I gotta be honest sound’s a whole lot like the motto of Steeler’s training camp in general for the past couple seasons.

If theres one real good analogy I can give for this its that before you cook w/ a cast iron pan you have to preseason it. Otherwise it get’s rusty. Steelers of all people should know that.

10. Letting stale beer reach room temperature at the bottom of a garbage bag is actualy how they brew Heinekin. Lots of puritan police out there judging this woman just because she chooses to drink other peoples backwash instead’ve throwing it out Its crude but hanging a garbage bag filled with light beer from a pop-up tent is basicaly a bug zapper for girls who would bone Bobby Petrino so I’m glad Louisville is at leased being proactive here

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???

This is literaly all you have to know in order to graduate with a advanced degree from UTEP so chances are Baker was just plagerizing this from the schools motto, but just in case I have initated a Cease and Desist against Baker Mayfield for using this phrase and obvously the lawsuit gets compounded with the fact that he used bad grammer when saying it. Baker Mayfield has a name that sounds hes destined to be a John Deere regional salesperson of the year who end’s up on American Greed for embezzling consumer rebates on grain combine sales then a Big 12 QB, and if I can nip his fraudelent activity in the bud then its my duty to step in and seperate the wheat from the chaff.