Instant Review of 'America's Game: The 2016 Patriots'
To the victors go the spoils. A Dan Brown put it, “When two cultures clash, the loser is obliterated, and the winner writes the history books – books which glorify their own cause and disparage the conquered foe.” Or as Sean Connery said in The Rock, “Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” Whichever great wordsmith you choose to quote, to the victors go the spoils. And when we’re talking about a Super Bowl winner, that history you get to write and glorify your cause with is your own America’s Game.
I take a back seat to no man when it comes to pleasuring myself with these Patriots championship videos. Like I said about Do Your Job 2 over the weekend plus I still have DYJ 1 set to “Save Until I Delete” two years after it was released) and 3 Games to Glory V earlier this summer, no one spends more time grooming himself, lighting candles and putting on the silk robes than I. But just as American, just as man, someone who appreciates that his Creator blessed us with the gift of NFL Films to make life worth living, I love America’s Game. Yes, some are hard to enjoy for any of us. I personally can’t watch the ones where a Manning wins without eclipse glasses. But it’s still arguably the best produced sports series ever made.
To be clear, the 2016 Patriots episode doesn’t break new ground. If you watched the others plus last season’s Sound FX, you’ve seen every highlight and heard all the mic’d up cuts. But watching the whole season packaged together with the obligatory three talking heads from the winners giving their perspective is always great TV, regardless of the team.
For this one, they chose Julian Edelman, LeGarrette Blount and Dont’a Hightower. Kind of unfortunate in that one is out for the year, one is in Philly, and Hightower never struck me as one of those guys who makes it dangerous to stand between him and a microphone. But all really deliver. Edelman is a natural at this kind of thing. And his segments are always like the cutaways to Phil Dunphy, on point with just the right amount of goofiness. In the show they talk about Blount maturing from the guy who smoked pot on a game day and walked off the field with time on the clock in Pittsburgh to the guy he is today (“taking a straight and narrow path” as he bulls his way into the end zone – we feel you, NFL Films) and it shows. And with Hightower, who doesn’t do a ton of interviews or podium time, you see why he’s a leader on this team and got the coveted second contract.
It’s only an hour show so I won’t go on long, but some of the highlights for me (Spoiler – They win the Super Bowl at the end):
–The whole construct of the show is Edelman’s now-legendary “It’s gonna be a hell of a story” mantra. Juxtaposed with a kid’s book he wrote for his daughter. About a squirrel. Who wears red gloves and wants to play football. Named Julian. But all the other animals say he’s too small and too slow. Until he meets a goat named Tom. And a wise owl. Who teach him about hard work. You see where this is going. But as a story thread? It’s perfect.
–It’s weird to see how Tom Brady has gone from the chuckling, wide-eyed but photogenic kid he was in the 2001 Pats America’s Game to this one. Where he’s not so much of a character as he is a presence. Someone his own teammates talk about like they can’t even figure out how he functions. There’s the bare minimum of Deflategate talk. Just Edelman saying “Yuk” (David Price will expect an apology). But to a man they all have awe in their voice when they talk about him coming back from the suspension in Cleveland and started throwing dimes to Chris Hogan. (“I might have gave a ‘Brady’ chant.” – Edelman). The first home game back when he dragon-breathed Cincinnati for 376 yards and 3 TDs. And of course the comeback in the Super Bowl when he picked just the right time to raise his voice up an octave with “C’mon now! Laser focus!” and “No fear!” and all that stuff we saw in other shows. He’s just kind of there throughout, but not actually part of this show, if that makes sense. Like Sauron. Or the Emperor in “A New Hope.” Maybe it doesn’t make sense.
–Hightower has played for two coaches since high school: Nick Saban and Bill Belichick. And won two national championships and two Super Bowls. And he’s 27. Also, I could look at Saban and Belichick sitting around the coaching table game planning in 1994 Danny Tanner sweaters all day.
–Hightower was mentioned on Orange is the New Black. And I’m a season behind so I missed it. But what really broke my brain is finding out Hightower’s real first name is “Qualin,” That is one hell of a powerful apostrophe. Like Edelman, I will never call him anything else.
–Blount might not have had a yards per attempt that’ll make Ezekiel Elliot quit the game in shame. But watching this makes you appreciate the nasty tough yards he fought to get. The touchdown against Pittsburgh when he carried eight Steelers into the end zone like the T-Rex fighting off Velociraptors on his back. And the one-yarder against Seattle where he took 30 steps – 30! – to score. He’ll be missed.
–More Edelman, on him and Brady: “We’re like two dolphins. Flip and Skip. Throwing sonars at each other.” Yup. That level of twisted genius is on IR for the season. I know the country is dealing with a lot worse right now, but that is a loss for all of us.
–As familiar ground as all this is, it’s worth the view if for no other reason than to see player reactions to the Super Bowl LI win you haven’t seen before. Them looking for their moms. Speaking about it to the camera. The mics catching guys saying they love each other. Hightower and Matt Patricia. Sweet mother of Jesus, Hightower and Matt Patricia. I’m getting to be too old to be ashamed of actual emotions. So I’m not at all shy about telling you I cried real Marley & Me tears twice in the last two minutes of this America’s Game and I don’t care who knows it.
OK, that is enough about 2016, the Suspension, the Comeback, Super Bowl LI and the fifth ring. Well, I mean there’s still the Banner Thursday night. And 70,000 Goodell Clown towels. But then after that, we’re onto 2017. Unless the Pats make another video. Then we’re onto that.