Truth Be Known: I Do Fuck Kinda Weird

I pride myself on being honest with the readers. I wasn’t completely honest in my last blog.

Sure I’m not a big straddle guy but that has more to do with my inability to stay committed to yoga. Certainly I enjoy the benefits when I do sit down and center myself to the earth, but I get complacent and all spun up about politics and whathaveyou. I saw a tweet three weeks ago that I’m still mad about. Next thing you know, my downward facing dog isn’t proper. My tadasana is a bit sloppy. My arms and hands are in the right place, obviously, but my heart isn’t. Difficult! Namaste.

I’m a heavy breather as a result. I’ve struggled with sports induced asthma for years. It doesnt mean that I’m not an athlete; it means that I’m an athlete with an inhaler. Big difference. That being said, I do require a few puffs on the ole albuterol rescue inhaler before and after a wild round in the duvet. Is it the sexiest thing in the world that I puff puff fucc? Probably not. But I’m dealing with it the best way I know how which is through a carefully crafted regiment that my doctor prescribed.

That being said, I wanna clear up something about my semen. Yes, I’ve had a vasectomy. No that doesnt mean that, in the words of one commenter, “Chaps’ semen is more watery than the juice that comes of the mustard bottle if you don’t shake it well.” What the fuck is that about? Why would someone say that? How incredibly mean-spirited.

To put that rumor to bed, you’ll be happy to know that I’m shooting ropes that look like mashed potatoes. The thickest cum on the planet. Playdough fun factory seed. Noodle nut.

Sewing oats that look like Cream of wheat and shit. Toothpaste.

I might have weird sex, but I have sex. Because when you’ve been married to me for eight years and I give you this look, what are you supposed to do?