FiveThirtyEight "Scientifically" Broke Down The Best Halloween Candies And I Have Some Issues

Arguing about candy is largely ridiculous because this is all about personal preference. Having said that, let’s argue about some goddamn candy.

Reese’s not only having the top spot, but the top two, is RIDICULOUS and should be illegal. I love a Reese’s pumpkin because they taste better, which is science, but that’s nowhere to be found on the list. Regular Reese’s, however? Well, I know this is going to be pretty divisive but they’re garbage. The peanut butter in a Reese’s tastes like dry, dyed dirt and they make your mouth yearn for liquid. You want a yummy peanut butter treat? Buddy, look no further than a Justin’s and you can call me bougie for that if you wish. But Reese’s? I carry around a garbage bag while trick or treating just for those snacks that they gave to Mr. Ed in order to keep his mouth moving while filming. That’s all they’ve ever been good for.

The fact that a fruity snack doesn’t show up anywhere on the top 10 is equally riot worthy. I mean, Starburst at 13? Skittles at 19? SOUR PATCH KIDS AT 22?!? How fucking dare you. I understand that Halloween is in the fall and the fall is more of a chocolate climate while summers are for chewy, fruity deliciousness (it’s like how fall is for whiskey and summer is for tequila. Plus there’s that messy melting business with chocolate) but this is still an outrage. Send me to the store for some candy and I’m coming back with about a 3/1 chewy to chocolate ratio.

Other notes:

Twix are fine but they are absolutely not a top 3 candy. Not on any planet I’ve ever been on.

A Milky Way is a Snickers on a diet and I don’t do diets.

Peanut Butter M&Ms are the vastly superior M&M and they’re never given their proper due in popular culture.

You want a nice little surprise? Freeze a Three Musketeers. It’s delightful.

I haven’t seen a 100 Grand in public since my nana died in 94 but boy are those delicious.

Rolo’s are the pennies of candy. You kinda ignore and discard them but when they pop up in a time of need it’s pure ecstasy.

Krackel and Crunch bars can go to hell. Don’t put rice in my chocolate. I’m not a dog and I will not be tricked into eating healthier (I guess? Idk what the fuck rice’s deal is) things in my candy.

Anyone who eats Junior Mints outside of a movie theater is a maniac or my mom.

Why do Nerds exist? The world would be so much better without them. Of course, I’m talking about both the candy and the people on hockey twitter.