This Woman That Climbed Through A McDonald's Drive Thru Window, Stole Cash, Happy Meals, And A Drink Is My Hero

What a move! Whenever I read stories about people walking through the Drive Thru to order because they were hungry and didn’t have a car, my soft suburban ass gasps at the balls it must take to at least try something like that. But this chick saw an opening in the defense and went Full Hamburglar, upgrading her free drink robbery to include Happy Meals and some straight cash homie. While you were out drinking or sleeping at 1 AM on November 5th, this chick was out making major moves. True wifey material.

And don’t think I forgot to tip my cap for that entrance. Most robbers would go with the effective yet clumsy head first slide method. Especially through a window as small as the Mickey D’s drive thru window. But not this Queen of the Golden Arches. She somehow snuck through that window with the grace of a young Undertaker climbing right over the top rope. Most impressive robbery move since Catherine Zeta Jones dodging the laser web in Entrapment.

However, while this woman has my heart, I have to point out a few mistakes:

1. Going with Blue Drink is such a bad choice. Now that McDonald’s Orange Drink is gone (RIP), you have have havvvvve to go with McDonald’s Coke. Best drink in the fast food game and 2nd best Coke behind Santa Coke. I will give this woman bonus points for putting a lid on her drink. Anything less would be uncivilized. Plus fast food drinks taste better out of a straw. That’s just science.

2. You cannot steal McDonald’s food unless it is cooked in McDonald’s. There is no point in eating McDonald’s if you make it at home without Fat Ron’s magic dirty grease. If that haul included Happy Meal toys instead of food however, I rescind this criticism. McDonald’s Beanie Babies probably have a higher street value than any McDonald’s product outside of McDonald’s Monopoly pieces and don’t spoil like McDonald’s food (JK, everyone knows McDonald’s food has the half-life of uranium).

3. I gotta deduct major points for dropping said food on the ground and revealing the lower-back tattoo. However, 80% of girl tattoos from the 2000s were in that exact spot. So picking that tat out of a lineup won’t be easy.

4. Also not going with a mask when robbing a place in 2017 seems like a risky move. Luckily this thief thought on her feet and seamlessly turned into the Great Cornholio to help conceal her identity. So no points deducted for thinking on her feet.

Final Robbery Grade: B-

And for those wondering why Nice Guy Clem would promote criminal activity, it’s time you guys learned what my night job is.