The Miami Heat Unveiled Their Vice Alternate Jerseys Today And They Are Sexy As Hell

Every fiber of my being has hated the Miami Heat ever since Pat Riley faxed his resignation as head coach of the Knicks to Madison Square Garden. While others hated LeBron for taking his talents to South Beach because he was joining a #superteam while also ripping out the hearts of every Ohio resident in the country, I was mad because he was joining Pat The Rat.

But I would have to be a hater, and a blind hater at that, to hate on these jerseys. They are wonderful. Amazing. A delectable treat for the eyes that kinda makes me wanna try cocaine for the first time and dance until the sun comes up (don’t do it though kids, it’s bad for you). Simply wearing one of these jerseys can take you from an oafish ogre that scares children.

To a fashionable man of mystery.

If #Jersday was still around, the first boondoggler to get their hands on a Vice jersey would have definitely won the prize for that week. Which I’m pretty sure was just the right to continue to participate in #Jersday and spend the company’s money on jerseys.

The only two nitpicks I have are:

1. If you are launching jerseys that are this sexy and sure to go super viral, you put the people’s champion Dion Waiters as the face of the ad campaign instead of a mean mugging Goran Dragic.

2. If you are launching a Vice jersey in Miami, you need to have the music from the old Grand Theft Auto: Vice City commercial that aired a billion times in 2002 playing in the background, even if the sound effects make no sense. The only 80s song I associate more than “I Ran” with Vice City is “Electric Avenue” with Pardon My Take.

Shit, I should have copy and pasted Waiters over Dragic while I was editing that. Oh yeah that’s right, I’m an idiot smug blogger that barely knows how to change the background music in videos. Nonetheless, well done Miami Heat, even if you are franchise run by an evil dickhead.

Official Barstool Sports Jersey Rating: 100000/10 Fire Flame Emojis