Fellas,,,

Imagine your girl comes to your house to watch some UFC with you. It’s your weekly tradition. She loves the raw physicality of mixed martial arts. You? Well, you’re not into that much. You’d rather catch up on some Oscar-nominated movies. Excuse me. Films. You like to call them films because, like Olive Garden, it makes you feel fancy.

You’re on Rotten Tomatoes and reading the reviews of Lady Bird and a few other joints. She’s typing away on her Ipad. The click click click of her nails is driving you absolutely crazy.

“Hey. When’d you get your nails done? Those clicks are driving me crazy,” you say with a face still buried in your laptop. “I’m trying to read. Can you type a little less obnoxiously?”

“Oh. Sure. Sorry about that,” she says with an eye roll. “I was just setting my UFC Fantasy lineups. You see, I think the featherweight fights can go one of two ways tonight. It’s either going to be a knocko”

“Yeah. I know. A knockout or submission. Like every week,” you say interrupting.

She click click clicks even louder on the screen. “Jesus. What is that?”

“Oh. I told you I got my nails done today. I got them painted something that reminds me of you.”

“Oh. That’s cool. What is it?”

“Well. Stop looking at your computer and see.”

Your feelings are hurt. You deduce that she’s calling you a pussy. That’s hurtful but not surprising because she did catch you watching cuck porn earlier this week. Embarrassing.