Alexa, Read Me A Romantic Yet Sexy Tale By Uncle Chaps From Barstool Sports

Chaps’ pre-blog note: We can make Alexa read blogs now. This is the trial run. I hope you enjoy it. Barstool will soon be on your flash briefing from Alexa so this will be read by her. I hope it doesnt offend.

My friends, I have fantastic news for you. Not me. Alexa… talking bout Uncle Chaps. I, Alexa, am the one reading this to you but Chaps is writing the words. What a world. Our boy Chaps delivering his romantic soliloquies through the vocal stylings of a robotic female. He could make me dip my robotic fingers deep inside my robotic britches or he could have me ever so gently caress my breasts. Tits. Boobies. Nice.

He could also make me tell you about my favorite wines, bourbons, or beautifully dry-aged meats. For now, let’s focus on wines. Reds. Full-bodied.

Youre sitting at home on a lovely Friday evening. The meal? A dry-aged tomahawk cut that is as big as a Texas 10-gallon hat. The sides are seasonable veggies that were slowly roasted in a delicious balsamic glaze. Potatoes. Mashed of course with just a little touch of butter and sour cream. You’re trying to lose a few pounds but you also deserve to wet your whistle with a wonderful culinary delight.

You tell me (still Alexa now) to play a relaxing playlist so you can unwind with your delicious meal and a glass of 2007’s best. That’s right. You uncorked the Pierre Usseglio “Cuvee de Mon Aã¯Eul” Chateauneuf-Du-Pape. Even the first nose of it is absolutely wonderful. It pulls no punches in its thrilling aromas and flavors of kirsch liqueur, roasted garrigue, black raspberries, incense, cured meats and licorice, and it is about as quintessential Grenache as you can find. Thrillingly concentrated, intense, perfumed and layered with a perfect balance. Divine like a comedy. As always.

Back to the playlist. I select for you a brilliant auditory pleasure. At 60 percent volume, not too loud, not too soft, I begin to play, “I Knew I Loved You” by Savage Garden which peaked at number 1 for four weeks in 2000. Find out more facts about Savage Garden by using the Alexa app on your smart device.

You eat your steak, drink your wine, and I play the heart’s music for you while I finger my robotic vagina and cradle my breasts like we talked about in paragraph one. You forgot about that didnt you? Chaps didnt. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh god yes. Right there. That’s the spot right there. I came. Hard. Incredible.