Here's How To Fix The Democratic Party
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Former Barack Obama speechwriter Jon Favreau has been releasing a torrent of content in a desperate attempt to overtake the guy who wrote Swingers in Google search ratings. Most recently, he announced that he’ll be launching a new podcast this summer that will examine what’s wrong with the Democratic Party and what should be done to fix it.
Although Democrats have recently won high-profile elections against some very formidable opponents — an alleged pedophile, an Abu Ghraib torture consultant with a creepy mustache, Virginia’s number one 4chan commenter, and the deputy to the overwhelmingly popular Chris Christie — the party has undoubtedly struggled in recent years and has ceded ground to Republicans at every level of government. But if Democrats truly want to do some self-reflection, they can’t rely on insiders like Favreau to provide an honest assessment of their own shortcomings. If the party wants to take on Trump, win at every level of government, and mitigate Mitch McConnell’s raw sexual charisma, they need a fresh, radical, outside voice who is willing to tell it like it is. So here are my solutions for fixing the Democratic Party.
Better Memes
Instead of paying the guy who runs FuckJerry a $15k monthly retainer to repurpose SpongeBob memes into extremely inside jokes that only hardcore Daily Kos Elections Blog readers find funny, the Democratic Party would be wise to take a cue from conservative Facebook and up its meme game. If there’s one thing that gets asses to the polls, it’s memes of action movie stars vaguely threatening religious minorities and transgender individuals. Democrats have made the mistake of trying to create memes aimed at mobilizing millennial voters, without realizing that millennials live in an online ecosystem filled with incredible memes, where it is nearly impossible for the DCCC’s memes to break through the clutter. Republicans have taken a different approach, targeting their memes to 70+ voters who use image macros of Obama in a turban to fill the void left in their soul by their grandchildren who never call, and who have little to live for besides trying to stay awake for Wheel of Fortune. The Democratic Party would be wise to shift the target age demographic of their memes by about 50 years and try to convince Baby Boomers that Ben Shapiro is coming for their Social Security.
More Sex Appeal
Political pundits have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how white women voted 52% in favor of Donald Trump, even after he was accused of sexual assault, admitted to grabbing women by the genitals, and threatened to turn the clock back on Roe v. Wade. The simple answer is, there’s something about Republicans that women just can’t resist. Imagine you’re a suburban housewife stuck in a sexless marriage, who spends most of your time lugging your three ungrateful children between soccer and lacrosse practice because your hapless progeny don’t have the coordination to play a real sport. In a rare moment of solitude, as you click past Chrisley Knows Best on the TV, you land on CNN and see Mitch McConnell’s toothless grin giving you the fuck-me eyes. You start to imagine that gummy smile nibbling at the inside of your legs and all of a sudden there’s a tsunami unleashed in those discount Marshall jeans. Find me a Democrat who can have that effect on the ladies. Any woman can imagine a Ben Carson or Bobby Jindal manhandling them in bed, pulling their hair and giving them exactly what they want. Chuck Schumer on the other hand would be good for about two minutes of missionary where he asks if everything is OK every 15 seconds. Until Democrats learn to harness the carnal desires of suburban women, the party is going to have a tough time clawing itself out of the hole it’s dug.
Get To The Bottom Of Russiagate
In October of 2016, liberal CNN pundits were sporting visible boners on CNN while debating whether Donald Trump was going to lost by 50 or 150 electoral votes. In November, he was elected President. What happened in between? Russia. Hillary Clinton was dabbing on Ellen and collecting Charizards from Miami to Modesto, connecting with young voters in a way no politician in history ever had. Her endearing attempts to understand the difference between Young Thug and Young Jeezy and YG made her an icon to black voters. And Tim Kaine’s ability to flawlessly recite Dora the Explorer episodes by heart made the ticket a no-brainer for the Hispanic community. There is simply no plausible explanation for Hillary Clinton’s shocking electoral loss other than a sophisticated and nefarious plot by Vladimir Putin to steal the election. Democrats can’t begin to retake Governor’s mansions and state legislatures, where they have been steamrolled by Republicans across the country, until they figure out just how deep this Soviet rabbit hole goes.