If Lawrence Taylor Bangs Your Mom, Are You Excited That He's Your New Dad?

Stoolie Michael sent me this over the weekend. He received this text from his mom on Friday night and woke up to find Lawrence Taylor cooking pancakes in the kitchen Saturday morning. Mike’s joke, not mine, though I’m not sure at all if he was joking. I like to picture LT as the type of gentleman who makes pancakes for the house in the morning. As he hands you a plate with a mickey mouse pancake on it, he whispers “I’m your daddy now” before kissing your mom on the cheek as she joins the table in her night gown, blushing from waking the neighbors at 2, 3, 4, and 5AM.

The question is, are you pumped to find out that your mom is banging the Giants legend? Every Giants fan loves LT. But at the same time, this is one of the most vicious, bloodthirsty NFL players of all time. He doesn’t bang your mom with candlelit, gentle thrusts; he inhales a mountain of cocaine off her boobies before he Joe Theismann’s her vagina. He was a first ballot hall of famer and a first ballot sex offender’s registrant. She’ll need a new bed, a new couch, and probably a new bathtub after a night with LT, and you’ll have to accompany her to Raymour and Flanigan because it’s mother’s day. But if you play your cards right, he might just give you an old game-worn jersey? Doubtful… he sold them all for blow.

This is why, if your parents are divorced, you cannot move back in with your mom after college. ESPECIALLY if she’s hot, starts doing pilates, drinking bellinis on Saturday mornings, etc. There is NO telling what sort of vagrants, gypsies, bikers, mole people, flotsam, jetsam, and former defensive ends she might bring home. Or how many! There is no set of noise-cancelling headphones on the market, nor any amount of therapy, that can drown out or wipe those sounds from your sad, dependent ass. Maybe Mike was just home visiting for the weekend. But if you live at home when your mom is exploring that second chapter of life, rediscovering her wild side at art openings and autograph signings, you’d best move into the basement/pool house.

H/t Mike