I got FUCKED on Valentine's Day.
If you know me, then you know I am a simple man.
And one of my simple pleasures on Valentine's Day is tearing into a dark chocolate Whitman's Sampler.
Coast-to-Coast. Getty Images.I have been a proponent of Whitman's for decades now… Even as the fancier Lindt and Godiva started to litter the shelf space next to them at your local CVS. I could've easily switched over to one of those names, paid a little more, and garnered a little more credit off of the designer label… But I didn't.
As a result, there have been Whitman's Samplers on the table of multiple loved ones of mine every Mother's Day, Easter, and Valentine's Day.
Shit… Even outside of your traditional chocolate holidays, I always keep a sampler in the cupboard to give at either dance recitals or school plays instead of worthless flower bouquets. I explained the hack as recently as December on Podfathers.
I always get dark chocolate, and even though I attached a stock photo of the 12-ounce sampler above, I actually opt for the 10-ounce every time. That's because I like my chocolates like I like my men… Dark and on the smaller side.
("Hi, Zah!")
In the 10-ounce Whitman's Dark Chocolate Sampler, you get 2 layers of the following choices.
- Dark Chocolate Cashew Clusters
- Dark Chocolate Peanut Caramel
- Dark Chocolate Nut Caramel
- Dark Chocolate Caramel
- Dark Chocolate Coconut Cream
- Dark Chocolate Covered Peanuts
- Solid Dark Chocolate Messenger
- Dark Chocolate Chocolate Butter Cream
- Dark Chocolate Nut Fudge
- Dark Chocolate Vanilla Cream
- Dark Chocolate Orange Cream
And the way I listed them is also the way I rank them… With the glorious Cashew Cluster up top and the awful Vanilla & Orange Creams lurking at the bottom of the barrel.
Now, you can argue that I have the Coconut Cream too high, and you can also argue my choice of dark versus milk chocolate. I get it… Different strokes for different folks.
But those 2 creams I have at the bottom belong at the bottom (particularly the orange) and I will fight any elderly woman or handicapped child that says different.
Now here's where the fucking comes in…
Valentine's Day was on a Monday, so the whole family sat down for a late dinner and then opened a few V-Day gifts right after our meal. Nothing big, but my sons and I like to make sure their mom and sister have a couple of things to open on this bullshit holiday, and then all the kids get cards, candies, and other little trinkets from their grandparents that we all open at the same time.
As the family tore into their assorted loot, I went straight for 'Old Reliable'… I popped open my switchblade and removed the plastic wrapper on the sampler, cracked open the familiar lid revealing the map to the chocolates printed on the other side, I lifted the decorative cardboard insert that rests both on top and in between the two layers of chocolatey goodness, and then went right for my favorite candy in the upper left-hand corner.
But here's the thing… It wasn't there…
And I searched the rest of the box to make sure it hadn't shifted in transit to another slot or another level… And it hadn't.
Something went very wrong at the Whitman's factory, and I got fucked out of my favorite candy…
biffspandex. Getty Images.Luckily, there was a Dark Chocolate Cashew Cluster waiting for me at the upper left-hand corner of that second level, but its neighbor directly one floor above was notably and inexcusably AWOL.
And if the absence of that delicious cluster was a result of supply chain issues?… Well, then Whitman's would've simply had to tell me that, and then replace the slot with any other selection (except the Orange Cream, obviously).
I would've been disappointed, but at least they wouldn't be to blame. I would blame it instead on perhaps Biden, or go even further up the chain and blame it on Kamala Harris.
But this wasn't the case… What happened here was that an established brand fucked one of its most loyal customers, and it hurt my feelings.
So… How can they make this better?
Well, as it turns out, Whitman's… Which has been churning out quality confections since 1842 … Is actually owned by Russel Stover (RS bought them in 1993). And then Russel Stover was acquired by the Swiss chocolatier Lindt & Sprüngli for $1.6 billion in 2014.
Winds up my beef is not with the Whitman family at all… It's with the fucking Swiss, and apparently Swiss who have deep pockets.
Therefore, here's what I propose to you filthy yodeling cocksuckers…
Lindt & Sprüngli… You have 48 hours to make this right.
You know where I work, so you know where to send it… Do the right thing, and this is all water under the fjord.
But if you choose to fuck me, then this dyke is about to explode… And there isn't a place to jam your finger to stop it because when this dyke gets fucked, he fucks right back.
Take a report.
-Large