An AVN Recap By The Best Masturbator Of The Year

January to me means borderline anorexia, aka Porno Award Season. After gorging on carbs for the holidays, I now have to abstain from anything that tastes remotely decent so that I can be red-carpet-ready. Last Tuesday, the entire other-Hollywood headed out to Las Vegas for the Adult Entertainment Expo (AEE), which lasts the entire week and ends with the biggest Porno Award show of all, the AVN Awards. I was planning on talking all about my experience on KFCRADIO, but before we could get too into it we got into a fight re: masturbation, so here’s my recap.

Day 1: B2B day, so the Expo is mostly industry people and media/press. I sign all day at the Wicked Pictures booth with fellow Wicked Girls Stormy Daniels and Jessica Drake.

Caleb and Rone stop by before heading to the inauguration in DC, and end up shooting a porno. (Video cumming soon.)

We go out to a club that night for a party hosted by Brazzers, and I am shocked to see that after last week’s incident, Caleb not only still has a company Amex card, he for-real says to me “I kind of want to buy a bottle.” Keep in mind the entire night is on Brazzers’ dime, and we already have unlimited bottles of alcohol at the table.

I want you to come inside (my elevator).

Day 2: The Expo opens up to fans. My first order of business is to find Glenny Balls’ favorite pornstar Rachel Starr and kiss her with the lips that touched his.

I do meet-and-greets at the Wicked Pictures booth all day again, where the better version of me (she doesn’t speak) is sold.

Afterwards I head over to the Fleshlight booth where I sell molds of my fuck holes. My feet hurt so I complain the whole time, proving further that real-life me is the worst version of me. My spirits are lifted only when a set of identical twins show up and tell me they love to DP.

Wicked Pictures hosts an event at Top Golf that evening, where it is not my first time hitting balls as hard as I can, but it is my first time even touching a golf ball. I am exactly as bad at it as I had always imagined, and quit after two tries.

Day 3: I am at the Wicked Pictures booth doing meet and greets all day once again. I wear an outfit that requires double sided tape on my nipples. I am starving and grouchy and of course my period starts. I calculate that the Award show is in 36 hours, meaning in 39 hours I can eat carbs again.

AVN Award Rehearsals are that night, where I find out I am presenting the Female Performer of the Year award. I won this award a hundred years ago and I make sure to tell anyone who will listen. We discuss our 2017 picks, and I put $100 on Adriana Chechik.

Day 4: I sign at the Wicked booth until 2pm and then run to my makeup artist’s room to get ready for the red carpet. This includes getting some last-minute Laser Lipo on my legs. 10 hours to carbs.

I walk the carpet. My dress cost $30 and I cannot stop telling people this.

No filming allowed inside of the Award Show. 2 hours to carbs.

I lose “Best Oral Sex Scene,” which I don’t realize I even wanted until it’s announced. I do win “Best Solo Scene,” making me the best masturbator of the year. I’ll take it. Wicked Pictures wins pretty much everything, including “Movie of the Year” for Suicide Squad XXX, which I am in.

Adriana wins Performer of the Year, and I win $100.

Finally, carbs.

And that’s it. I SnapChatted the whole thing on the Barstool Sports account, make sure you follow it so you don’t miss important events like porno award shows in the future.