From The Windooooooow: Is Blake Bortles Being Blackballed By The NFL Because He Drives A Tesla?

I took to the window on my quiet street to engage in repsectful conversation with my neighbors regarding this burning question and a couple others during the quarantine, and frankly I looked good doing it in my new short sleeve performance t from Cuts clothing- which you can buy here and get 20% off when you use this URL. Highest possble recommendation. Feels like pajamas, looks like a shirt you put on when a lady is coming over and you want to look good but also dont want to look like youre trying too hard to look good.

Seems like the entire newscycle the last couple weeks has been either updates on how there hasnt been a Cam Newton update, or a new picture of Big Ben looking like he just crawled out of a giant scarecros uterus. But what if I were to tell you that there was a QB out there who is undefeated against those two QBs in the playoffs? His name is Blake Bortes and the media is complicit in the vail of slience surrounding his free agency.

So why is he unsigned?

Blake is a great lockeroom presence, he's tall, he's hard-working, and hes so coachable that he even bought a car that tells him to stay in his lane. If I’m a team who has the Steelers on my schedule or a thursday nite game verse the Titans, I bring Bortles in as a specialist to handle those contest. Off the top of my head, or as Blake would say, “A haircut”, Bortles would be a immediate upgrade over the following starting QBs: 

-Stidtham, New England

-Daniel Jones and Sam Darnold in New York

-Derek Carr in Vegas

-and Jalen Hurts in Philly

Bortles is a immediate upgrade not only at the QB position but also Blake has said he would gladly work out as a Tight End, as it could be his more natural positon that we can see demonstrated in this clip.

So why would the NFL want to keep Bortles out? The aforementioned Cam Newton is being oppressed for supporting Chobani yogurt as the league pivoted to Dannon. Let us not also forget that the leagues new business partnership with Quaker puts a premium on less physical non-violent players like Kyle Allen promoting pacifism, not runnifism.  In Bortles case, the NFLs corporate fatcats are reluctant to shlling out Megabucks to a man whose made no qualms about the fact he drives a Tesla while the league collects huge sponsorshpis from oil companies like Castrol and Havoline. Elon Musk is looked down upon in league circles as he is basing his entire business model around 1. Not needing motor oil 2. not needing trucks 3. Designing a car that isnt as fun to drive drunk because it takes over the controls. Not a fit for the NFL or its fanbase.

I cant think of a single QB who drives a Tesla thats currently employed right now. I guess the league would rather give roster spots to players who are more focus on getting charged with assault rather than ones who are charging a battery. Bortles, like Tesla, is used to operating in the red zone, having led the only Jaguars offense to almost beat Tom Brady in the playoffs a mere 3 years ago.

Bortles' support of businesses run by noted stoned during podcast-appearers Elon Musk and Henry Lockwood likely rub league officials the wrong way since Roger Goodell is firmly against promoting any recreational drug use that takes place outside of his own basement. With Andy Dalton getting signed, it becomes clear that Bortles is being blackballed by NFL owners.

I will say that Andy Dalton singing was a tremendous move for the Dallas Cowboys given their current situation with Dak. First of all id rather have a QB who gets knocked out the first round of the playoffs than on the first day of spring break. Secondly, Dalton is clearly getting the gig so that Jerry can have a Jason Garrett stunt double to shit on. Hes like when Major League francshise replaced wesley snipes with Omar Epps. Dalton making the playoffs with the Bengals multiple times is equivilant to Cowboys winning three superbowls in four years if we’re being honest.

Also I supsect that Dak is on a short leash after his recent shenangans involving having a party at his house during lockdown. Jones likely sees Dalton as a natural fit in that enviroment If theres anything Jerry knows about gingers, its that theyre not bad when it comes to a mixer. Its also a distinct possiblity that Jerry Jones knows hes giong to die soon so he wants to leave his son with zero Quarterbacks on the roster for 2021 as a prank and to make sure no one loves him more then they loved ol' Jerral. I mean its pretty obvious what his family is trying to do to him:

But back to Blake- Even if your not signing Bortles as a starter, Blake would be the second-best backup QB in the league behind Dak. Its laughable at this point that the league is colluding against Blake just because he is trying to save the evniroment by taking a stand hes got the balls of Frank Gore and the spirit of Albert. In a town filled with gas guzzling Rams and Chargers clogging up the 405, maybe its time for Bortles to pump the Blakes and get out of Dodge.