I Am A Gamer

As a regular sex participant, I haven't played a video game since 7th grade. It was Sim Day & Night on ebaumsworld.com, and only in hopes to see a 200x200 jpeg of a naked woman.

When asked this week to play Mario Maker for Stool Gametime, I responded, lyingly, with "Yes, that sounds fun."

As I sat down and held the controller, I knew I was about to embarrass myself in the worst way possible. Other coworkers were vocally confident in their gaming abilities. Brandon Walker even compared himself to "PewDiePie on a bridge in PUBG." I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but I knew I couldn't compare.

I hit start and began to play.

That's when disaster struck. The worst possible outcome. I was really fucking good. Good enough to be the best in the office. Good enough to be forced to blog about the experience. I was better than the Hooliganz. The fucking Hooliganz. Hell, even former members of that group were build different, with the ability to nearly sell DOUBLE DIGIT tee shirts.

The second I saw my name on the top of the leaderboard I knew I was ruined. A part of me changed. Peach meant more to me than just a fruit that could make Timothee Chalamet blow his load. Skyrim became more than just Mile High Club analingus. Dualshock was more than just the nodes applied to my temples at summer camp. I became a gamer.

Watch me ruin my life, and my much cooler coworkers be bad at video game in this video.

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