Fronnie Does: The Great Slide of China

There are a lot of tourist attractions that don’t quite live up to their hype. I think even wide-eyed mid-westerners show up at Times Square and are immediately like, “umm ya its way too fucking crowded here and some dude dressed up as Elmo just tried to touch my kids genitals, lets leave”. Well the Great Wall of China is not one of those places. It lives up to the hype and then some. It’s just so astonishingly long and the fact that it was mostly built before Jesus was born makes it even more mind-bottling.    Granted, I’ve never gone during a Chinese holiday when it gets this crowded, that definitely looks like it would suck.

It was pretty much built for the same reason Donald Trump wants to build a wall, to keep out foreign “undesirables” and invaders. Only difference is when Trump says he wants to build a wall we have a political system that can tell him “No thats a stupid idea, it would be too expensive, and won’t work.” But when the Ancient Chinese Trump said “the wall just got 10 feet higher” millions peasants had to start building that wall 10 feet higher or else be executed. Funny thing is that in the long run, it didn’t even work. Womp Womp.

“Although a useful deterrent against raids, at several points throughout its history the Great Wall failed to stop enemies, including in 1644 when the Manchu Qing marched through the gates of Shanhai Pass and replaced the most ardent of the wall-building dynasties, the Ming, as rulers of China.”(Wikipedia)

All of my previous Great Wall experiences have been top notch. The first time I went with some friends we had a driver drop us off at a deserted section of the Wall and we actually “camped” on it for the night. We didn’t bring a tent or sleeping bags but did bring enough beers to make sleeping on the bricks using our backpacks as pillows tolerable.

I woke up in the morning to the sound of my friend screaming and running down the Wall. I assumed we were being chased by a swarm of mongols or at least a couple armed Chinese guards so I started sprinting as well. Turns out he was just afraid of some flies that were buzzing around his head when he woke up. What a pussy. Also, that same guy ended up getting explosive diarrhea in the morning but I made sure he didn’t get any bodily fluids on one of the wonders of the ancient world. Instead we had him poop in a biodegradable(?) bag and toss it as far as he could. Your welcome China.

My 2nd experience was with a couple buddies from high school who came out to visit. We thought it would be a good idea to get tailored suits made at the Shanghai Fabric market and wear them to the wall. We also thought it’d be a good idea to stay out till 6:30AM the night before our trip when our tour bus was leaving at 7:30AM. After 45 mins of sleep my buddies were surprisingly hard to wake up so I ended up having to physically carry two full grown men onto the tour bus. I didn’t forget our suits tho.

Turns out wearing full polyester suits when its 85 degrees out and humid wasn’t the smartest idea. We did get some solid photos at least though. Also, shout out to my buddy D Mack for bringing his D6 Massachusetts football trophy to the wall to stunt on the haters, a shtick so innovative that Tom Brady decided to copy it 4 years later.

It was on this trip that I first discovered “The Great Slide of China,” a 1580 meter long toboggan down the mountain where riders can reach speeds of 30 km/hour, or even more if you have zero regard for you physical safety.  As you can see in the below clip, I didn’t have too much regard for my physical safety my first ride down.

If we’re keeping it one hunnid,  it was probably the most fun I’ve had in my life. As a result, when Francis insisted that I drag him to the wall (my fourth time going) I was a tad bit more excited for the ride down then what I’d see at the top. While I avoided any serious falls or crashes this time, I’m pretty sure I was a few feet away from getting decapitated by a Goat. 3rd World Living like ya read about.

P.S. Those Korean chicks actually thought Francis and I were on the Boston Red Sox.