The NHL Comes to CHINA! Featuring The Hit New Segment "Explain It to Phil(Esposito)"

I’m blogging right now with a devastating hangover. Fortunately, I just rubbed ICY HOT all over my forehead and it seems to have numbed the pain enough to make sitting at a desk and typing this possible(seriously, try this, it’s surprisingly effective). Now I’m sure you’re all wondering “Donnie why on earth did you get drunk on a Thursday night? That is so unlike you!” Well folks, every once in a while there is a special occasion that warrants getting a little loose on a school night.  And the special occasion this week just so happened to be the first ever NHL game in China. That’s right baby, last night chop sticks weren’t the only sticks clapping together in the Middle Kingdom!

Admittedly, I’m not the biggest hockey guy. I think it may stem from the fact that in 1st grade my friend’s Dad worked for the Bruins and he would bring all of his friends to watch games in his Dad’s box except for me. He brought me to fucking Disney on Ice. Must’ve thought I was a gayball or something (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Anyways, that set me down a path in life which led to me reaching the ripe old age of 30 having only been to two NHL games, one of those being a pre-season game. Still, I’ve seen enough hockey to know that it’s an absolute electric sport to watch live so was pretty amped to learn the Kings would be playing the Canucks in my backyard. My excitement was ratcheted up even more when I learned that a friend of a friend would be taking a bus to the game with Phil Esposito and we were all welcome to join. As much as it will disgust the  hockey hardos, I bet there are a few millenials out there who don’t even know who he is so let me give you a quick refresher. Phil played 18 seasons in the NHL, helped the Bruins win 2 Stanley Cups, and is widely considered one of the best to ever play in the league. He also coached and managed the NY Rangers for a bit, founded the Tampa Bay Lightning, and has a younger brother Tony who was a hall of fame NHL goaltender. Well I got to the carpool to the game with him and I must say, it was pretty surreal  listening to an NHL legend share stories about the glory days in the middle of a Chinese traffic jam.

After we got off the bus, I figured I’d be a team player and ask him if he had any interest going on the Spittin Chicklets podcast. Convo didn’t go great but it did lead to the new smash hit segment “Explain It To Phil”

It really doesn’t get any grittier than not knowing what a podcast is. Kinda makes Harbaugh look a little soft for even going on Pardon My Take.

As for the game itself, the Kings won 5-2 and I was honestly just happy enough to be watching hockey in China to be too critical but I just saw that Phil Esposito was quoted as saying “Personally, I think the NHL blew it.” Jeez Phil, this is like when Shia Lebouf starred in Indiana Jones 4 and immediately after the premiere was like “I think Spielberg dropped the ball on this one.” Gotta stay positive when you’re the poster child for something. Anyhow, here is my personal breakdown.

Pros:

– Some people were exposed to hockey for the first time. I wouldn’t call China a “hockey country” quite yet as only around 9,000 people came out to a stadium that fits 18,000 but some of the locals have definitely taken to the sport.

– Cheerleaders. I know a bunch of NHL teams have Ice girls but the US and Canada could take a page out of China’s playbook and have a bunch of chicks dancing in the stands as well.

– I live in Shanghai and got to watch an NHL game 25 minutes from my apartment. Pretty sweet.

Cons:

– The teams must have signed a “no-hit clause” as it was probably the least physical game of hockey I’ve ever seen. Feel like that’s not the best strategy for bringing in new fans as violence is an international language that everybody seems to love. . The hardest hit was honestly between 1st and 2nd period when they let a peewee team play and one of the kids accidentally knocked over a sponsor’s mascot. Look at the shit-eating grin on that mascot. Guy 100% deserved it.

– Concessions. The concession stands were severely understaffed which led to brutally long lines. They were so overwhelmed that two of my friends went behind the bar and started helping them pour beers and instead of them being like “Get the fuck out you don’t work here!” they were like “thank you so much we’re absolutely fucked back here!”.

Also, they started running out of beers after the 1st period. Rookie mistake but it was literally the first hockey game ever held at that arena so can’t be too hard on them for underestimating how much hockey guys/Canadians drink. You may be asking “But Donnie, why are you so hungover if they ran out of beers??”, its called sneaking in nips, no doy. As the old chinese proverb goes, “a rookie mistake can only be countered by a veteran move.”

Overall though, I’d say my first NHL experience in China on the whole was pretty positive. It’s always exciting to watch a sport expand globally and anytime the city of Vancouver doesn’t riot after a loss is relieving. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t get your hopes for hearing Phil Espisito on the Barstool podcast network anytime soon.

P.S.  I was actually given a life-time ban from the arena where the game was held three years ago for sneaking backstage at a Rolling Stones concert. Luckily, it looks like China hasn’t perfected their facial recognition technology quite yet.