Chicago Community Watch Page Is All Over A Guy Who Was Masturbating At A Local Grocery Store

I’ll tell you…these community watch groups on Facebook are some of the best content that’s going on in the world right now. Typically it’s people getting crazed about the dumbest shit, but today we were hit with a good one. One that didn’t shake the group at its core, but united us as one.

Let’s get into the reaction:

First we have the disgusted’s. Ofelia, Jacqueline, Sandra, Maria, and Mike all share the same sentiment that they are NOT okay with somebody cracking stick all over their baked goods. I mean technically Ofelia isn’t saying that she’s against it though. For all we know that emoji could mean that she’s open to it.

Then came the jokesters who of course compared the beat off dude to every type of creamy pastry the world could name. We even have Michael dropping some major allegations against the old Hostess plant in Schiller Park, which I think is taking things way too far. That plant closed when we thought Hostess died in 2014. Have a little respect, Mike. Let it rest in peace.

Now we have the gif brigade. Maybe not the funniest bunch so they use pictures to express their humor. The real people pleasers of the group. I’m not hating on it. I respect doing what works because everybody knows that the Facebook crowd LOVES gifs. Big ups to Joe for the American Pie gif.

I enjoyed Ben’s joke. Fitting three separate puns (are those puns?) about pleasuring yourself into one sentence isn’t something that you just learn. It’s something that takes years to craft. Ben has that crafting gene. Props to him for picking up a steady amount of likes.

Oh, no. Here’s where stuff goes awry when poor old Kay says that she literally just left there! And now she feels nauseous because she just ate their french bread! You never want to see this. I truly feel for Kay…she just wanted to enjoy her french bread without having to worry about someone’s vanilla squirt getting into it. Seems like a reasonable thing to want.

Phew! That was a close one, Joan. Hey, wait a second you said your cake wasn’t even from there? Classic fucking Joan fishing for Happy Birthdays in the Community Watch Group. I see you. I’ll bite the bait…Happy Birthday, Joan.

Fuck yeah, Mickey. That dude dropping loads all over the pastries is a huge dork!

This was by far my favorite response out of all of them. The beat off guy isn’t a pervert or a creep, but he’s a dork!

Good news though! – An update on the post shows that the guy was arrested and all baked goods are in the clear.

That’s it for today in the Community Watch.

Signing out.

-Eddie

If you have an outrageous story in your Community Watch Group please reach out to me at eddie@barstoolsports.com