The Worst Mascots of All Time

They are created to be the face of a brand, to be instantly recognizable, and loved by children and adults alike. Sometimes the quest to create a successful mascot falls horrifyingly short, resulting in indescribable horrors, or unsettling characters. Below is my completely unbiased Mt. Rushmore of shit mascots.

Big Boy

Child Labor Law aside, this creepy greaser lad is an awful, thoughtless waiter, not even GLANCING at the platter he is carrying, and, with the average statue being outside of storefronts only being 4 feet tall, he is actually quite the averaged sized boy, making his entire identity a complete lie. His perfectly smooth, philtrumless upper lip also makes me uncomfortable. 

Below is a more truthful, responsible, philtrumed logo.

Gapper (Cincinnati Reds)

The Reds have 4 total mascots. 3 of them are iconic, branded well, and work together seamlessly. The fourth is Gapper. Fucking Gapper. He has no place among the rest, and really never needed to be created. Four mascots is greedy. 

For fun, here’s an image of the entire family together. Guess which one is Gapper.

Complete and utter bullshit.

Michelin Man

Aside from the obvious of being a 9 foot tall emotionless, rubber abomination, general cowardice is the focal point today. As the face of a brand, and being such a curiosity,  he should understand that there will be the occasional question that delves into his personal life. If companies want the casual fan to respect a mascot, transparency is key, as no questions should be swept under the rug, silenced.

Sunny (Raisin Bran)

Cereal mascots are an elite fraternity of beings from Irish lore, anthropomorphic animals, and war veterans. Everybody knows Tony the Tiger’s catchphrase, name a Lucky Charm marshmallow shape, or know the target demographic for Trix. The mascots all have personalities of their own, ones that the cold breakfast eater can resonate with. All but one. Can a single person recite a line Sunny has ever said? A motto? A catchphrase? Memorability, or lack thereof aside, Sunny also has no place among the greats on other boxes. He completely disrupts the amity in the breakfast aisle.

He, scientifically, is an impossibility.

He pounces on vulnerable women fresh out of a 3 year long relationship, not giving her enough time to heal, or time to decide if she wants to get back with her ex. 

He is irresponsible and not ready to be a father.

I hate Sunny.