Did You Know Jesus Is Set To Return Next Monday? And Sources Claim He Won't Be Happy. We're Officially (Allegedly) On The Doomsday Clock.

Express UK- A triple whammy of supposedly prophetic events will strike this month with conspiracy theorists bizarrely claiming signs in the heaven will warn of the end of the world. On December 21 this year, the planets Saturn and Jupiter will come together in the night skies for a so-called great conjunction. The astronomical event will mark the first conjunction of the two gas giants in 20 years and, more importantly, it will be the closest the planets will come together in 400 years.

The conjunction has already been interpreted by some as a sign of Biblical significance, but the conspiracy theories do not end there, because the 2012 Mayan calendar has been resurrected once more.

After claims the world would cease to exist on December 21, 2012, conspiracy theorists have had to seriously reconsider their prophecies.

The theory, which stated the world would end on the day the Mayan calendar ran out, is making the rounds once again after it has been claimed the 2012 date was miscalculated.

Instead, conspiracy theorists have claimed an 11-day discrepancy between the defunct Julian calendar and the modern-day Gregorian calendar has shifted the doomsday date by eight years.

Ok, so that is exhibit A in how the world is ending a week from today. 

I blogged about the "conjunction" taking place nonchalantly last week in a watch this when you're high -

At the time I had no idea the role it played in bringing in the final credits and fading to black on us. 

As commenter @fancypantz pointed out, I also missed another great part-

Dante your leaving out the coolest part of the story, better known as the “star of Bethlehem” because scholars believe that’s the star that led the three wise men to Christ

Exhibit B-

December 21 is also the day of the winter solstice, which will mark the astronomical start of winter.

On this day, the planet's north pole will be most tilted away from the Sun.

The days also happens to be the birthday of Paul Begley, an Indiana-based evangelist, TV host and online personality known for his outrageous end of the world claims.

Pastor Begley has now opened up about the looming date, stating the Mayan were most likely wrong but December 21 could still set in motion the events leading to the promised return of Jesus Christ.

According to Christian scripture, the return of the Messiah will be preceded by signs in the heavens and the Earth, as well as upheaval and unrest among the people.

Pastor Begley, who hosts the weekly TV series The Coming Apocalypse, fervently believes we are living in the end times and it is a matter of time before Armageddon unfolds.

He said: "If you subtract those 11 days from the 268 years we're no longer using the Julian calendar, and if you go and subtract those 11 days off from every year, that means the end of the world according to the Mayans was December 21, 2012.

"But December 21, 2012, would actually be December 21, 2020.

If there's one thing I know about evangelists that know when the world is ending, it's that the best ones come from Indiana.

I am 33.3% sure this guy was the same guy Mantis, WSD, and I encountered in Indianapolis a couple years ago at the Big Ten Championship.

This guy has devoted his whole life to studying the Mayan Calendar and just because he sucks at math doesn't mean we should doubt his 10th or 11th prediction on when the apocalypse will be upon us. 

Also, he was born on the same date, which just so happens to be the winter solstice. Do you think that's just a coincidence?

Does this look like somebody that would dupe you?

I know we could rest our case there but there's more Your Honor.

May I present exhibit C-

POPE FRANCIS could fulfil what would be the final piece of a 900-year-old doomsday prophecy this year, according to a source close to the Vatican leader.

After all his overseas visits were cancelled due to the pandemic, the Pope is set to make what will be his first trip in more than a year. Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni said the Pontiff will visit Baghdad, Iraq’s capital, and Ur, a city linked to the Old Testament figure of Abraham. The 83-year-old will also head to Erbil, Mosul and Qaraqosh in the Nineveh plains, during his trip in March 2021.

But some do not expect it to happen. 

Francis took over the papacy in 2013, following the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI – a controversial move and the first of its kind in more than five centuries.

And a source close to the Church claimed he could do the same thing.

Austen Ivereigh, the former Director for Public Affairs of the previous Archbishop of Westminster – Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor – claimed: “I don’t think there’s ever been any doubt that he will resign in 2020.

Now try to keep up with me here. What the fuck does the Pope possibly resigning have to do with the world ending you ask? 

The prospect of his resignation will no doubt leave some concerned as it could apparently fulfil a 900-year-old prophecy made by 12th-century Archbishop Saint Malachy. 

In 1139, Malachy left Ireland for Rome to give an account of his affairs, where he reportedly received a strange vision about the future, including the names of 112 future Popes.

His prediction concerning the 111th pope, Pope Benedict XVI, was "Gloria Olivae," which means "the glory of the Olive".

The Order of Saint Benedict is also known as the Olivetans, which many claim makes Malachy's prophecies correct.  

But his prediction for the 112th and "final" Pope was more concerning.

It read: "In the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church there will reign Peter the Roman, who will feed his flock amid many tribulations, after which the seven-hilled city will be destroyed and the dreadful Judge will judge the people. The End.”

The father of the current pope was Pietro, or Peter, and was from Italy even though the family moved to Argentina.

I'm no Biblical scholar, much to the nuns from my middle school's dismay, so I have no clue what any of that actually means. But it seems serious. 

I checked in with Barstool correspondent and "Papal expert" KFC but he's either out of the loop or he's in on it, and playing stupid, keeping quiet.

Either way, we have t-minus 7 days remaining. Sorry for the short notice. 

So tie up any loose ends. Or don't. 

Anything you've been putting off doing til the New Year? Better get on it. 

Ask that girl out. Ask for that promotion or raise. Chuck those shots up because the shot clock is officially running down. 

Worst case scenario you have a golden excuse built-in if they say no. Point them to the evidence.