This Steven Seagal Blu-ray Box Set Is The Worst "Deal" In The History Of The Internet

As a die-hard Team Physical Media guy, I still do the occasional Blu-ray drive-by before cashing out my Amazon order to see if a random '80s flick or a sweet Criterion release or some other deal is just too cheap to resist. Like, for example, this re-donk-ulously killer deal on a ROCKY Blu-ray box set...

For a measly $15.98 (FIFTEEN DOLLARS AND NINETY-EIGHT CENTS!!!), you get Blus of ROCKY, ROCKY II, ROCKY III, ROCKY IV, ROCKY V, and ROCKY BALBOA. And even considering that the last two offerings will get more play as coasters on your coffee table than in your machine, it's still an incredible deal. $4 each for the OG and first three sequels. 

And don't fall for the barely-discernible-to-the-average-bear high-def propaganda. When DVDs first hit, they were a legit revelation and a huge step-up from the beloved if clunky VHS format. And just when you were halfway through replacing your tape versions with their digital upgrades, the industry foisted competing upgrades upon us: HD DVD vs. Blu-ray. But after a two year beatdown, the Sony-backed Blu-ray prevailed over rival Toshiba's HD DVD and Blus became THE standard in high-def physical media.

Until the 4K shit came around. Blu converts threw up their hands, wondering a) how much more clarity do you really need? and, b) at what point does it actually become a detriment to some older films?. I genuinely think only the biggest audiophiles/videophiles and/or hard-core cineasts watching on a six-foot wide TV can truly note any sort of upgrade. That's my long way of saying I maxxed out at Blu-rays because they're pretty fucking sweet and I won't notice where the extra $20 is going on a 4K. Plus, the 4K disciples are gonna kick themselves in the arse when fuckin' 8K or 12K or some other shit gets rolled out next year.

So when I saw the thumbnail promising me TWELVE Blu-ray movies from the martial arts expert/guitar virtuoso that is Steven Seagal, I jumped on it like a mofo! I couldn't wait to revisit my glory days at Movies and More/Ticketmaster located at 229 Main St. in Woburn where I was blessed to enjoy endless repeat viewings of ABOVE THE LAW, HARD TO KILL, MARKED FOR DEATH, OUT FOR JUSTICE, UNDER SEIGE, and ON DEADLY GROUND. 

Am I looking for Richie?!? You're goddamn right I'm looking for that sumbitch! (Shoutout to the late Uncle Tricky Dick.)

But oh, how my heart sank quicker than Seagal's career when I saw what this "collection" actually consisted of. I mean, I'm a movie junkie who saw probably 95% of VHS releases from 1988 to 1998 during my managerial tenure and has kept his finger of the pulse of the movie industry since. And not ONE of these AI-ass sounding titles have I ever heard of and I'm not sure anyone else has either. Incredibly, there's nary a title that can be found on IMDb. To wit…

What in the name of aikido does this collection of space-wasters think is worth even $5 let alone a 50-spot?!? Even Barstool Gold is insulted by this price. Let's see what Bezos's flying monkeys have to say about this wretched collection of "films"… 

Seagal plays Elijah Kane, the leader of an elite undercover police unit known as the “Special Investigation Unit” in Seattle, Washington. The series follows Kane and his team as they tackle various criminal activities, from drug trafficking to organized crime, using a mix of traditional law enforcement techniques and martial arts. Every movie offers a high-adrenaline adventure. The movies are known for their intense action sequences and Seagal’s signature martial arts moves. Each episode typically features high-stakes confrontations and complex investigations, with Kane’s team often operating on the edge of the law to bring criminals to justice. The show also delves into the personal lives and backgrounds of the team members, adding depth to the characters and their motivations. The films stands out for their gritty portrayal of crime-fighting and Seagal’s commanding presence as the lead character. Despite its relatively short run, “True Justice” remains a notable entry in Steven Seagal’s extensive filmography, showcasing his enduring appeal in the action genre and as an action star. Region 1 (USA/Canada) | Approx 18 hrs. | Closed Captioning | 16:9

Let's take a gander at the one review posted for this 12-flick collection…

This is a set of 12 movies… but… they're 12 bad movies… Well, I'd say 2 okay movies and 10 terrible movies… Very disappointed with the package and price point…

This Box-Set should be no more than $20.

That viewer should get a Bronze Star for sitting through 18 hours of hair-dyed dreck.

I don't know when the next season of "Surviving Barstool" is slated to air but I have the perfect idea for the equivalent of a torture session: see who can make it through the most of these 12 piles of utter dogshit. I'll set the O/U at 1.5. Just a stunning fall from grace for the man who was once a big enough star to marry a smoke who's hotter than a baker's ballbag.

Well, at least he'll always have his music career to fall back on.

Or his rigorous self-defense academy.

This story from Ned Ryerson just adds to the, um, legend.

50 bucks to the person who tells me who did Bobby Lupo!

All kidding aside, his first four flicks are the martial arts equivalent of these four…